Be Still

“Be still and know that I am God.” ~Psalm 46:10

Upon arriving home from college with a 34-day break ahead of me, finals completed and no new syllabi in sight, I pictured long days propped on the couch with a good book, sipping hot cocoa….contentedly happy to do something I haven’t done in a while: relax.

Well, those dreams were short-lived.  

 

The day after I got home, I made an extensive to-do list. It’s not as though relaxing didn’t sound enticing, I just had a lot to accomplish. There were people to see, drawers to organize, applications to fill out….

When I sent my college registrar a series of emails a few days before Christmas asking about the academic calendar, room numbers, course schedules, and other probably-insignificant scheduling concerns, he finally responded, “This is the LAST email I’m sending you before Christmas…you’re supposed to take time off and not worry about this stuff until after Christmas!!!”  Great. Now even my school registrar thinks I’m maniacally over-planned.

Whatever the case, after an incredibly enjoyable month spent visiting with all my friends, shopping, singing Les Mis until my voice was hoarse, perfecting my resume, writing cover letters, filling out applications, scheduling my Spring semester down to the minute, investing in a mutual fund, securing an on-campus job for the coming semester, organizing every file on my computer, reading seven books, begging professors for syllabi and adding exam dates to my calendar, and performing hundreds of other random organizational tasks that I, for some unknown reason, felt the need to accomplish, I  decided I could spare one day to relax.

Having never before been bored or at a loss for what to do (as confirmed by my mom), this  day was a confounding new phenomenon. I wrote “Relax” on my calendar, but it just looked too empty. Somehow, between writing "relax" and the arrival of the day itself, other tasks began appearing. “Practice piano.” “Call Mrs. Muniz." “Finish reading Catch 22.” “Paint toenails.” "Workout." They were things I enjoyed doing, relaxing things even. Yet, something was wrong. The purpose of the day was to try living without a to-do list. To just see what it felt like to have nothing to do. It wasn't working.

On the assigned day, I woke up bewildered. I couldn’t decide what to do with myself. I yearned for structure, crossing things off a list. I wanted someone to tell me to organize their desk drawers or plan their schedule. Helplessly, I realized I didn't know how to relax. In fact, stranger still, I didn't like to relax.

Interestingly, at this same time, I finished reading Francis Chan’s Forgotten God. Chan’s point was the importance of relying on the Holy Spirit. When we try to be “good Christians” without surrendering to the Holy Spirit, we are simply living off our own skills and abilities, and people only see us and glorify us. Yet, when we surrender to Him and let Him live through us, we are able to live supernaturally. When we live like this, there is no other explanation for how we live than Jesus, and people glorify Him.

It all sounded good in theory, but I struggled to picture what living this supernatural life really looked like until I thought about one of my friends from school. My friend works harder than anyone else I know--she is constantly studying, and she's pulled so many all-nighters this semester. Yet, she never mentions herself, but is constantly asking how I'm doing and commiserating with me about how hard I work...which is nothing in comparison to her. I've never once heard her complain. She is one of the most cheerful people I've ever met. Yet her family lives far away from school and she rarely gets to see them, and she is continually exhausted. One day I told her how inspiring she is to me and how I am so amazed by her never-endingly joyful spirit. At the point of this conversation, it was the middle of finals week, and she had pulled about three all-nighters in a row, and had at least one exam the next day and several after that. I cannot describe the utter exhaustion and brokenness with which she replied--'This--anything you see in me--it's not me. It's Him, all Him.' The girl who replied to me was about to collapse from exhaustion, had giant dark circles under her eyes, and could barely form a sentence. But through her surrender to Christ's Spirit inside, she is one of the most beautiful, joyful, alive people I've ever met. She lives a life she couldn't live on her own.

That’s what I want. That’s what living supernaturally, by the Spirit looks like...living so incredibly that there's no explanation but God. Only He gets the glory. When I think of living like this, I start planning ways I can be better, live more faithfully. And then I realize that’s defeating the whole purpose! There is no possible way I can get there on my own...only God can get me there. As hard as it for me-- always in control, doing something, never letting go, relaxing--to learn,  It’s when I surrender to Him in prayer, learn let go, give him control, stop planning and coming up with endless goals and strategies to live more Christ-like and start praying, surrendering, being still, realizing He's God and I'm not—that things start changing.  For me, the girl who can’t even let go for a day—it’s hard to let go of my whole life. Yet when we live through His power alone, that's when He's glorified in us. And really—what's more awesome than God living through us?!